I was busted. Caught red-handed. And it was a rude awakening.
It happened during the warm-up dance at the beginning of a workshop. The experienced followers were already paired up. I ended up dancing with a lady who, in my opinion, was not up to the level of the class.
I was disappointed and even a little bit angry. I felt cheated. "I didn't pay money to dance with a beginner," I thought. "I hope that I don't get stuck with this woman for the entire class."
Reading these words now, they sound mean-spirited, selfish, and profoundly unkind. As difficult as this is to admit, that's how I felt at the time.
The teacher, whom I admired and respected greatly, pulled me aside. "What's wrong with you?" she asked sternly.
"What do you mean?"
"I can see the disappointment on your face." Her eyes burned into me with the intensity of a Marine drill sergeant.
I opened my mouth, but I couldn't say a word.
"NEVER let me see the disappointment on your face."
I was shocked and embarrassed. It was difficult to hear those words, such harsh and unexpected criticism. But I realized that the teacher was right. I was being selfish. I was inconsiderate, condescending, and patronizing toward this innocent follower. I was being a real... well, we won't use that word.
Dancing As Equals
Tango can happen only between equals.
I'm going to write that statement again, because it's very important. Tango can happen only between equals.
I don't mean equals in terms of experience, talent, or training. I mean equals in terms of the contract to which we agree when we enter someone's embrace.
It doesn't matter if one partner has twenty years of experience and the other took their first lesson yesterday. They can still dance as equals.
It doesn't matter if one person is athletic and graceful and the other struggles with aches and arthritis. They can still dance with equals.
Dancing as equals means sharing a pace and a level of movement that both partners can share and enjoy comfortably. It implies a level of acceptance, understanding, and mutual respect.
Dancing as equals does not suggest that there won't be any mistakes or stumbles or surprises in the dance. Argentine tango isn't about perfection. It's about communication and emotion and shared experience, a warm and supportive experience where 'mistakes' are accepted as a natural consequence of exploration.
The Contract
Tango occurs ONLY when we dance as equals. Only, only, only, only, ONLY when we dance as equals. Anything else is not a tango. It's movement without purpose, action without meaning. It's a cold, uncaring exercise that's likely to result in physical discomfort, bruised feelings, or both.
When we enter the tango embrace, we enter into a contract:
"I'll be here for you if you'll be here for me. I won't go too fast or ask for too much if you promise to respect my limits as well. My goal is for us both to enjoy these moments together, to explore and discover our collective potential, to establish a meaningful emotional connection even if it's only for a little while.
"I'm not here to rehash techniques and sequences that I have memorized. I want to experience the spirit of tango and the inspiration of passionate music with you in real time, wherever that takes us. I hope that this is your objective as well."
That's it. That's the contact. It's clear, and it is achievable by any two people who enter into it with the proper attitude. The only question is, are we prepared to do that?
Mistakes To Avoid
1. Never show disappointment on you face, in your words, or in your body language. Your partner can feel your frustration even if you're not criticizing them out loud.
Emotions are not invisible. The stress between you and your partner will be perceived by everyone in the room. People who have never danced a tango in their lives will recognize what's going on. Don't put yourself or your partner into that position.
2. Never push or coerce someone to go beyond their limits. They might be inexperienced. They might not have good technique. Accept it and deal with it. They are not going to become a better dancer by having someone criticize them or push them around.
3. Never enter a dance with the idea that you're doing someone a favor. That's the most condescending, demoralizing thing that you could do to someone, particularly someone with less experience, someone who desires to learn and to get better and who probably looks up to you.
It's better to decline (or to not ask) than to subject someone to an attitude of superiority.
4. Never let a dance - ANY dance - continue once it becomes physically uncomfortable. Struggling and wrestling with a partner isn't tango. It isn't even judo. At least judo is beautiful.
If your partner is not respecting your limitations, or if they are making you physically or emotionally uncomfortable, don't stay out out on the floor. Excuse yourself politely and take a break. You don't owe that person anything - you paid the same admission fee that they did. No reasonable person at that milonga will think less of you for stepping out of an uncomfortable situation.
5. If you can't bring yourself to dance with others as an equal, regardless of their level and yours, please just stick with partners who match your level. Never submit a partner to the emotional torture of dancing with someone who doesn't appreciate them.
This post is dedicated to my good friends Chris and Tony and Rob. Each of them personifies tango egalitarianism in its purest form. Thank you, my friends, for setting such effective examples for the community!
¡Buena suerte amigos, y muchas gracias!
Daniel
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