Mistakes can be embarrassing. We try to avoid mistakes, especially the ones that might cause public humiliation or damage to our person, our spirit, and our relationships with others.
Not all mistakes are catastrophic, however. Some mistakes are stepping stones to growth and progress. If we try to avoid all mistakes, we hamper our ability to learn and take on new challenges.
Effective learning requires a healthy relationship with mistakes. Progress requires a healthy relationship with mistakes. Joyful living requires a healthy relationship with mistakes.
Baby Steps
When toddlers learn to walk, they fall down frequently. Every fall could be considered a mistake. Luckily, toddlers don't associate mistakes with negative feelings. When they fall down, they get up and try again.
Most children learn to walk without any coaching. The don't receive any instructions. No one gives them a walking demo or sends them to bipedal motion class. They just keep trying until they get it.
The Opposite Of Progress
How do you compare to the learning toddler? When you make a mistake, do you get up and start again? Do you understand that your mistakes are a natural part of the leaning process? Or do you feel anxious or embarrassed when something that you try doesn't work?
As we mature, we learn to associate mistakes with a whole range of negative emotions and experiences. People scold us or criticize us when we make mistakes. Over time, the healthy early-childhood relationship with mistakes is replaced by stigma and anxiety.
We no longer interpret mistakes as a sign of ongoing progress, but rather as an indication of failure or ineptitude.
Vicious Circles
It's easy to fall into a cycle of self-fulfilling anxiety. Fear of making a mistake can cause stress. Stress can interfere with our physical and mental processes. This interference in turn causes mistakes.
How can we break the cycle? One strategy is to cultivate a healthy relationship with our mistakes. I'll explain with an example.
Two Friends, Two Attitudes
Bill and Bob have been asked by their teacher to perform in an upcoming student showcase. Bill and Bob are students at the same level, but they have different attitudes about mistakes.
When Bill makes a mistake, it doesn't bother him. When he tries something at the milonga and it goes badly, Bill smiles at his partner and says, "Let me try that again! I'm still working that out."
Bill's teacher encourages the class to view mistakes as learning opportunities. Bill has embraced this philosophy whole-heartedly. He realizes that he's not going to be able to do everything smoothly as he attempts more challenging material. The mistakes help him to identify his "problem areas."
Bill discusses these problems with his teacher after class and asks for recommendations as to how he can improve in these areas. Bill dedicates practice time each week to the exercises that his teacher suggests. Sometimes he asks someone at the practice to take a video so he can identify where he needs to direct his efforts.
Bob, gets frustrated when he makes a mistake. It bothers him when he "messes up" at the milonga, partly because he wants to do things right, and partly because he feels that the people there are evaluating him.
There have been times when Bob has left a milonga feeling extremely disappointed with himself. That frustration stays with him for days.
Bob has the same teacher as Bill, and he's heard the same philosophy about mistakes. But Bob holds himself to a high standard. He tries really hard not to make any mistakes in class, because he feels badly when the teacher points out that he's done something incorrectly.
When Bob practices, he looks for partners who dance well. He doesn't enjoy practicing when things don't go smoothly, and he gets frustrated with partners who can't keep up with him. Bob doesn't like to watch himself on video.
Progress Report
- Bill doesn't let himself worry about making mistakes. He's comfortable with the prospect of making mistakes in public, and he's determined to enjoy the experience no matter what happens.
- Bill has taken the initiative to identify and improve his weaknesses. This helps him to improve his overall technique as effectively as possible.
- Bill is going to feel some degree of performance anxiety on the day of the showcase, but it won't be strong enough to hinder his coordination and concentration.
- Bob fears the possibility of making a mistake in front of the audience. He feels as though the audience will be judging him. He'll be very disappointed if he "messes up" during the performance.
- Bob doesn't spend time working on his weaknesses during his practice time, because he prefers practices that run smoothly end to end.
- Bob is probably going to be tense and anxious in the days and hours leading up to the event.
It's impossible to predict whether one friend will perform better than the other at the showcase. The final results will depend on a number of factors.
But even if mistakes are made, Bill is probably going to have a more positive experience at the showcase, in his study of dance, and in life. I know which one I'd rather have sitting at my table.
¡Buena suerte amigos, y muchas gracias!
Daniel
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