A non-tango friend recently shared the opinion that good relationships are built on shared interests. Couples with shared interests tend to have more fun and stay together longer.
Being an argumentative pain in the bum, I had to disagree. To support my dissent, I cited observations from the tango community.
Calling the Argentine tango a shared interest is an understatement. It's more than an interest for many people; it can become an obsession. Dedicated tangueros and tangueras go dancing several times a week, take classes and lessons to improve their dancing, watch tango videos and listen to the music in their spare time, and dream of trips to Buenos Aires.
If shared interests were the key to good relationships, the tango community would be full of successful, happy couples that met on the dance floor and stayed together for the long haul. My observations don't support this theory.
Observation 1. Most of the couples that I know from the tango community were together before they began to study the tango.
Observation 2. Most couples that get to know each other through dancing break up after a few weeks up to a few years. - Note: If you are one of the exceptions and your relationship has lasted, I congratulate you, for you have found someone very special. I wish you both the very best.
Observation 3. Most of the single women that I was dancing with five, ten, or fifteen years ago are STILL SINGLE. The ones that have entered into lasting marriages ended up with people from outside of the tango community.
The Devil Is In The Details
On many occasions, I have heard ladies say that they want to meet (i.e. date) a man who dances tango. I hear men that this, too, but not as often. It sounds like fun, but is dance skill a good basis for starting a relationship with someone?
What if a friend told you that they wanted to date someone who collects stamps. What does that say about the kind of husband or wife that person would be? In reality, it doesn't tell us anything at all.
A person is not defined by their interests. Human beings are far more complex than what they do for fun on the weekend. Any given person may be patient or irritable, kind or abusive, neat or sloppy, driven or lazy, joyful or depressed, dull or intelligent, calm or intense, faithful or dishonest, timid or adventurous. You need to consider all of those dimensions and more while choosing a life partner.
So what if a person dances the tango? Even if they dance well, what does that tell you about them are and how well-suited they are to dedicate themselves to you, take care of you, and make you happy in the years to come?
I had to disagree with my friend. Shared interests are not fundamental to establishing a lasting relationship. Shared interests are the icing on the cake, not the cake itself.
I did offer a counter proposal. I believe that successful couples recognize that each partner has their own set of interests. Each partner is dedicated to supporting the interests of the other to a reasonable degree. This mutual support keeps couples happy and function for the long term.
Another important dimension of relationships is how well the partners relate to one another, how supportively they treat each other, how well cared for each person feels. Do you want your relationship to last and be joyful? Make your partner feel loved and appreciated, and communicate to them openly about what you need to feel the same way.
Maybe your life partner will be a good dancer. Maybe they'll have two left feet. Does it really matter if you're happy together? There are lots of good dancers in the world. If your have a partner supports your love of dance, you should still be able to enjoy dancing. How well that person takes care of you is more important than how smoothly they perform a back sacada. Focus on what's important in life, and the joy that your partner brings to your life will carry over into everything that you do.
¡Buena suerte amigos, y muchas gracias!
Daniel
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