If you're a social dancer and you dance with unfamiliar people at milongas and practicas, sooner or later you'll find yourself in the embrace of someone who struggles a bit. Their technique, balance, and skill level might not be up to par with that of your regular partners.
This is a very common situation. How you handle it will say a lot about you.
The Natural Reaction
"Oh, boy! I'm stuck with this partner for the next ten minutes?"
If that thought or something similar passes through your mind, don't feel badly. You're only human. It's natural to feel a tinge of disappointment.
You came to the milonga to DANCE! You don't want to be burdened with followers who can't keep up with you, who can't execute the steps that you want to lead.
Here's my emphatic recommendation: GET OVER IT!
Feeling grumpy won't make the tanda go any faster. Nor will it improve the situation in any way. A miserable attitude yields a miserable experience for both dancers.
The Next Level
You objective should not be to tolerate an awkward tanda, but rather to elevate it! Celebrate it! Invigorate it!
Take this challenging situation and transform it into something special. Give this follower a tango experience that she will appreciate for a long time, and you'll feel that your own joy and satisfaction will be uplifted in kind.
No Excuses
So what if this partner isn't very good? How good are YOU? Are you as good as you think you are? Well then use those skills and experience. Make something beautiful happen with this person. Because that's what partners dancing is all about.
If you can't figure out how to lead someone - anyone - for three simple but elegant tangos, then perhaps you shouldn't be criticizing the follower. Perhaps you should criticize the fellow in the mirror. Apparently, he has some work to do.
There are leaders who could lead this follower and make her very happy. There are men who are up to the job. Are you one of them? Do you aspire to have that level of skill? Then jump in and get to work. Stop ranting and start dancing.
Finding The Solution
Everyone has limitations. But everyone has something that they can do well, or at least well enough. The key is to focus on what works for each partner and to avoid the areas where they struggle.
Accept each follower for who she is. If all that she can do is walk, then walk. If she stumbles after every third step, give her the time that she needs to catch her balance. Let her reconnect with you through the embrace, synchronize, and then pick up where you left off.
If the only sequence that she can follow is the one that she learned twenty minutes ago in the pre-milonga class, then build on that sequence. Dance it musically. Deconstruct it and reassemble the pieces. Lead a simple improvisation that she can follow and enjoy.
The Beauty of Connection and Simplicity
Forget about challenging, complex moves for the next ten minutes. You'll have a chance to do them with someone else very soon. You don't need to perform Cirque du Soleil to convince people that you're a good dancer. The good dancer is the guy who gives the ladies the dances that they enjoy, not the ones that left them feeling confused, overwhelmed, and full of doubt.
The more that you concentrate on what's possible - the fun and the joy, not just of dancing but of sharing a pleasurable experience with another person - the less you'll worry about what's missing.
This Above All Else
This is the simplest part of the whole formula. Don't let yourself feel disappointed. Enjoy your time with each partner, even those who struggle. As you discover what works for each person, cherish those moments and those insights.
Never, ever, ever let disappointment show on your face. Unless you want everyone in the room to think that you're insufferable.
Deferred Rewards
The tango community is small. There's a good chance that you'll see any given partner again one day. When that day comes, she might have blossomed into a very capable tanguera.
If you treated someone well in their early years, when they're struggling, they'll remember that, and they'll appreciate it. And you'll have a friend and a good partner in the tango world.
Remember - It Takes Two To...
You're not perfect. You make mistakes. You lose your balance occasionally. Your lead isn't perfect every minute of every dance. How about your quality of movement? Your technique? Your improvisation and musical interpretation? Your floor craft? Are all of those flawless?
Like the rest of us, you probably still have plenty to master.
A tango is a shared experience. In a shared experience, there's shared responsibility. A particular follower might have to work very hard to keep up with you. That doesn't excuse you from working hard to keep up with her.
Leading isn't an easy job. The best leaders accept that. They accept responsibility for what happens, the good and the bad, and they put effort into making each and every dance as enjoyable as it can be.
Not so good leaders take credit when things go well and blame the follower when the dance doesn't go smoothly. Who would want to dance with someone like that? And what hope does that person have of making significant improvement?
A Humbling Recollection
I remember when I first started going to milongas. It was intimidating and very challenging. I had trouble dancing with many followers. But with experience, I improved and was able to dance with more ladies.
I didn't get better by grumbling, moping, or criticizing others. I got better by practicing, by understanding my weaknesses and improving where I realized that I needed work.
As I worked on developing my own abilities, all of the followers seemed more capable! ;-)
Avoiding Disappointment
Blaming the follower yields a disappointed follower, nothing more and nothing less. Dancing around the room with a look of disgust on your face discourages other followers from wanting to dance with you.
This post is about avoiding disappointment. That's the title of the post. Avoiding Disappointment - in BIG letters. I went back and checked.
What I didn't specify was WHOSE disappointment we are trying to avoid. It's not enough to avoid only your own bad experiences. Take the holistic approach.
Avoid your own disappointment by accepting others for what they can do and working actively to share a good tango experience with them. In turn, you're generosity and encouragement will help them to avoid their own sense of disappointment.
Give every follower a dance to remember instead of an attitude to forget.
¡Buena suerte amigos, y muchas gracias!
Daniel
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