Nobody's perfect, but these fellows tend to raise some eyebrows.
Bear Hug Bernie
Bernie believes in a firm embrace, firm enough to bruise a follower's kidneys and send them to the chiropractor. He holds a woman with the intensity of a machine designed to test the roll cage of a Jeep. Perhaps Bernie lacks confidence in his ability to lead without the full strength of his skeletal muscles, or maybe he's just a clumsy oaf.
How to spot Bernie: The follower is grimacing and leaning backwards from the waist in a futile attempt to manage the pain and escape his clutches.
Lascivious Lars
Do you like close embrace? Good! Because Lars does, too! Very close with a generous helping of perspiration and creepiness. If you're new to close embrace, you're in luck! Lars will attempt to cure you of your misguided need for personal space. Just let him get his hands on that delicious body of yours, and he'll take care of everything!
How to spot Lars: He looks like he's having the time of his life. The follower, not so much.
Professor Explain-it-All
The dear professor like to educate followers. He'll begin by explaining what they should be doing. If that doesn't work, he'll graciously demonstrate the follower's part. If you still don't get it, ladies, he'll enlist the aid of a "good" follower to show you what he wants you to do.
The only thing that the professor hasn't figured out is that all of this information should be transferred to the follower via his lead, not his mouth.
How to spot The Prof: He's the guy who's "teaching" on the milonga floor.
Fast Floyd
Floyd is motivated. He has a plan for this dance, and he's going for it whether you're ready or not. Details such as balance and axis aren't important to Floyd. When he wants a boleo, he wants it NOW, even if you haven't recovered from the fast-moving colgada that he just threw at you...after a fast molinete...after a bunch of fast ochos...after a gancho that he led so quickly that you almost tripped over your own feet. You get the picture.
How to spot Floyd: He seems relaxed while the follower is being thrown around like a rag doll.
Critical Clark
Oops! You did it again! You know that you were supposed to cross there. You know that you're supposed to take bigger steps. You know that your boleos should be more fluid. You know that you're not supposed to lose your balance. Hopefully, one day you'll get it right. Until then, Clark will be there to remind you of each and every one of your imperfections, because how else are you supposed to learn?
Dancing with a follower who makes so many mistakes, well, that just tries Clark's patience to no end. So shape up and stop being such a hopeless klutz, and Clark won't have to complain so much!
How to spot Clark: He has an annoyed look on his face and scolds his partners frequently.
Stinky Stefan
Stefan hasn't showered in days, and he doesn't believe in deodorant. He believes that the body's true smell is all the perfume that anyone ever needs. Stefan may also be a smoker. Anything to add a little bit of pungency to his unique presence.
How to spot Stefan: Stand next to him.
Reckless Ron
Ron loves to dance. He focuses intensely on what he and his partner are doing. Unfortunately, he pays no attention to what's going on around him. Ron runs into things...and people. He runs his partner into things...and people. Actually, he gets her to do the hard job of kicking and stepping on the other couples. Ron just leads her in the right direction.
People complain to Ron, but he doesn't understand why they get so upset. He's not invisible. They should be able to see him coming! It's his dance floor, too! He paid his cover charge! Why is everyone so irritable?
How to spot Ron: Look for the couple that bumps into everyone.
Tasmanian Trent
Tasmanian Trent - named after Warner Brothers' Tasmanian Devil - is a younger, more frantic version of Reckless Ron. Trent performs large, spectacular movements in small spaces, putting all of the other dancers in the room on high alert.
Trent's like a chimp with a chainsaw. He doesn't worry about floor craft. He's here to perform! And all of you slowpokes need to back off and give him some space.
How to spot Trent: He occupies his own vortex where other couples fear to tread.
Choosy Charlie
Charlie plays the role of a casting director. He's looking for a specific type of woman to fulfill his fantasy. Maybe he's into young women with pretty faces. Or tall and slender with long legs. Or statuesque brunettes. Or petite Asian ladies. Whatever role Charley is casting, that who he's going to seek out at the milonga. Can you spot Charley's type?
How to spot Charlie: First, you have to figure out the type of woman that attracts him. After that, he'll be easy to spot.
Narcissistic Ned
Ned comes to the milonga with the best intentions. He wants to dance with everyone. But if you're not up to par with Ned's expectations, he'll let you know about it with a glaring look and a dismissive smirk.
Don't worry. You won't have to dance with Ned again. He'll be off looking for a more suitable partner, someone who actually knows what she's doing. Not like YOU!
How to spot Ned: His aloof smirk is a dead giveaway.
Randy the Ringer
Randy is the star of the show, and he's here to prove it. When he and his partner take the floor, he'll show you every well-rehearsed trick in his arsenal. Whether or not his moves have any relation to the music is beside the point. The point is that Randy is a special guy, too special to dance with a beginner or someone who might not executed every step precisely.
How to spot Randy: He always arrives with a partner in tow and never dances with anyone he believes to be "beneath" him.
Suggestions for Improvement
Bear Hug Bernie - Ease up before you hurt someone! Hold the follower as though you're holding a baby, not a baby grand piano.
Lascivious Lars - Respect people and their space. Discover how nice it feels when someone decides to dance closer to you because you've made them feel comfortable, rather than because you grabbed them and took them hostage.
Professor Explain-it-All - Lead with your body, not with your mouth. No talking and no demonstrating.
Fast Floyd: You need to start paying much more attention to the follower, particularly her axis and balance. Never lead the next step until she has recovered fully from the last one. Pauses are beautiful. Relax.
Critical Clark - News flash: you're not perfect either, Clark, or your dances would be a lot smoother. Stop blaming women for your own shortcomings.
Stinky Stefan - Realize that you're not nature's rosebud. Take a shower and use deodorant before every milonga.
Reckless Ron - If you have more than one collision per set on a regular basis, take responsibility. Open your eyes and be more careful. Always apologize after a bump no matter who is to blame.
Tasmanian Trent - We appreciate your energy and your skill. Try to dance with the crowd instead of performing for the crowd. Use space conservatively and blend in. People won't think less of you; they'll appreciate you more.
Choosy Charlie - I hope you find what you're looking for, because you're not going to change.
Narcissistic Ned - Try to be a bit more accepting and patient with followers. I realize that this is difficult for you, but everyone will appreciate you more if you'll hold people in higher regard and replace those smirks with a warm and genuine smile.
Randy the Ringer - You have impressive abilities. Share the wealth. Dance with less experience followers from time to time. Treat them to a few minutes of relaxed and simple steps in your experienced arms. Inspire others with generosity rather than pomposity.
¡Buena suerte amigos, y muchas gracias!
Daniel
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